The Pandemic of “Perfection” by Sarah Hart, LCPC, C-DBT
More often than not when meeting with kids and young adults in therapy, I am struck by the intensity of the desire and “need” to be perfect. Whether it’s a junior high student or a college graduate, I have witnessed immense pressure to perform at unrealistic capacities. Where did this perfection pandemic begin? Why do kids and young adults sacrifice their mental health and relationships for the idea of perfection? What is the cost and how do we shift the narrative?
Whether it is from external pressures of family, friends or professors, or an internal pressure set on oneself, the impact of perfectionism can be quite damaging. When an individual fosters a belief system based on perfection, it lends to the development of negative core beliefs, which in turn lead to lowered self-esteem, heightened anxiety and rise in depression. It can lead to isolation, loneliness and loss in relationships. Examples of such negative core beliefs are “I am not good enough” or “I am unlovable.” Unfortunately, when these thoughts are part of our internal dialogue, we tend to do almost anything to quiet these beliefs. Many tend to believe if they “just get straight As,” “lose ten pounds,” or “make the varsity squad” they will prove to themselves or others that they ARE good enough; that they will THEN be happy. Unfortunately, these expectations are unrealistic and often unachievable. Hence, an unfortunate cycle that simply exacerbates low self-worth and mental health issues.
A former Valedictorian, Kyle Martin, from The King’s Academy, spoke out about the losses at the expense of perfectionism during his valedictorian speech in 2019. He warned of the losses suffered as a result and advises youngsters to take a personal inventory of their beliefs and behaviors. He stated,
“I sacrificed for it and yes I stressed for it. And I got it. And at our senior awards ceremony it felt so good when I heard my name announced for this title. It felt so good, for about 15 seconds. Yeah, 15 seconds of my heart racing and my adrenaline pumping. 15 seconds of ‘yeah I won!’ 15 seconds of being at the top of the pile of all my accomplishments. And it felt euphoric. But there must come a 16th second, and on that 16th second I sat down on my seat, I looked at my silver stole that says valedictorian and I thought that’s it? What just happened? Why am I not feeling anything else? To be honest, I don’t even know what I was expecting. A parade of balloons to drop? Or maybe I was expecting that all of my problems would fade away in comparison to this amazing achievement. But none of that happened. Not even in my heart. I felt nothing. I was shocked. This was a huge problem for me and I needed to figure out why. So here is my thought process. Working hard is good. But it should not be done for the sole purpose of a goals sake at the expense of relationships with others.”
So, what can we do as family members, friends, teachers and support systems to foster a positive sense of self and challenge the concept of perfection? First and foremost, providing encouragement when youngsters are struggling is essential. The importance of positive reinforcement is insurmountable. Acknowledging ALL of their accomplishments, no matter how big or small; reminding them that their effort and hard work alone makes them “good enough and worthy,” rather than a certain grade, number, title or statistic. I often suggest nightly check ins with a loved one where an individual is encouraged to identify a positive accomplishment of the day. Don’t hesitate to offer help, or additional external resources if the child is hesitant to engage or respond to a parent. (Because after all, what do parents know?!) Trusted tutors, therapists, guidance counselors and coaches are all excellent resources to help foster a positive sense of self. If you feel your child struggles to manage time or has unrealistic expectations, suggest utilizing the SMART goal setting method. SMART goals are defined specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and time based. Following this format may help individuals temper their expectations and manage time more efficiently. Additionally, it is essential to encourage self-care. Taking mental breaks can greatly decrease the pressure and anxiety throughout one’s day. Examples of self-care may be going for a walk, playing with a pet, listening to music, meditation, journaling, even allowing oneself to enjoy an episode of your favorite show. As Kyle Martin stated,
“have no regrets in the 16th second. Nothing is more important than your healthy relationships, nothing. Not your goals not your success and here is why. Relationships are where we influence impact and change people’s lives.”
Let us all come together as a society to end this pandemic of perfection and foster self-love, validation, and feelings of being “good enough.”
