Love Knows No Bounds (Yet Has Healthy Boundaries) by Lauren Oster, MA, LCPC
What is a Boundary?
A boundary is a literal or metaphorical line that indicates a perimeter, and establishing a boundary is an unselfish act of setting a limit that honors our space so we can be safe. Boundaries apply to various kinds of relationships—significant others, family members, friends, coworkers, and even strangers. So who can set one? Anyone! Boundaries are not only reserved for adults; children can set them and even animals can too. Establishing healthy boundaries allows us to be clear about what we will accept and not accept. Some types of boundaries include:
Physical
Mental
Emotional
Intimate
Financial
Spiritual
Digital
Why Is Setting Boundaries Important?
It is essential to feel safe thus setting boundaries supports us in maintaining our peace and not harboring resentments. Have you ever told someone ‘Yes’ when you really wanted to say ‘No’? Have you ever felt like your time or skill was taken advantage of by someone? A few indicators that you may need to set a healthy boundary are feeling as if you are not aligned with your values, believing others are disrespecting you, having a challenging time placing your needs before the needs of others (i.e., people pleasing), or feeling burnt out.
I often let my clients know that they are welcome to reach out to me outside of a session if needed. After all, a session is typically occurring once a week and a lot can happen outside of that one hour. While it is the client initiating contact with me, it is my responsibility to determine if I am available to check in or if I am not. I want to maintain a meaningful, therapeutic relationship with each client and in order to do so, I need to set boundaries. Also, I value boundaries; therefore,
I prioritize actively setting them without the need to justify their existence.
How to Set a Boundary
Let’s commit to setting healthy boundaries! Using assertive communication will give you the opportunity to be clear and confident when setting a boundary, whereas passive communication may give the impression that you are uncertain about what you are stating, and aggressive communication may contribute to the person on the receiving end becoming confused or defensive.
Try out this model: “It is important for me to share this with you because ___. I feel ___. I want ___. It is ___. Thanks for hearing me out.”
Example: It is important for me to share this with you because I want to be secure within our relationship. I feel like every chance that we get to spend quality time together you are preoccupied with work. I want you to know this is coming from a place of love, and I want you understand how it feels as if I am unimportant when your focus is elsewhere during our one-on-one time. It would be helpful if you can let me know when works needs to be done outside of the office or if you can put your phone away when we’re together. Thanks for hearing me out, I appreciate it. Do you have questions?”
Boundaries can evolve over time as we continue to grow in different seasons of our life—and that’s okay! As they change, you can communicate those specific changes to the appropriate people.
Helpful Versus Harmful Boundaries
Keep in mind that we are referring to setting healthy boundaries, yet harmful boundaries exist too. If one that is set seeks to have power or control over another person, then it may be harmful. Harmful boundaries also may be isolating however helpful boundaries invite others in. Everyone’s boundaries differ and if yours do not align with someone else’s, then it is important not to force your boundaries onto them. Others may perceive a helpful boundary that you set as not caring or selfish when it is actually the opposite—it is making room to honor the relationship you set out to have in a way that can preserve it.
How to Respond if a Boundary is Not Respected
The follow up after a boundary is violated depends on how it happened and with whom. Take a moment to self-reflect on the boundary itself:
Is it realistic?
It is helpful?
When it was communicated?
Did I communicate it?
Has anything changed?
How it was violated (accidental, intentional or unknown)?
Who violated it (significant other, family member)?
Where to go from here (Do I need to address it? How can this be resolved?)
How can I go on to maintain my boundaries?
If someone you love, say a significant other, crosses a boundary, then setting time aside for an intentional conversation about how each person perceived the experience can result in a resolution. It is helpful to consistently respect your own boundary setting too.
Loving Deeper with Boundaries
Boundaries are, in fact, loving and we can love deeper with healthy boundaries! It is truly beautiful that people have the ability to love and express love while still maintaining boundaries. Establishing them can actually improve the quality of relationship we have with ourselves and others. Remember that you are a one-of-a-kind person deserving of respect and safety, and also someone capable of establishing their own boundaries.
