The Art of Apologizing by Lauren Oster, MA, LCPC, PMH-C
Life's meaning is deeply tied to connections with ourself and others, as it fosters a sense of purpose and belonging. Social connections, whether among family, friends, colleagues, patients, or strangers offer a sense of enrichment that is vital for our well-being. Most often, people in secure relationships do not intend to mistreat one another; however, being human alludes that making mistakes is inevitable. Knowing when—and how—to offer an authentic apology is essential to maintaining healthy bonds.
The Art of Apologizing
Apologizing, like art, is subjective. It requires vulnerability and courage, comes from the heart, promotes healing and connection, and is a necessary part of our lives. Our backgrounds often shape the way in which we learn how to apologize to ourself and others. While the focus of this blog will be relational, apologies can extend beyond people to all living things.
Sharing a sincere apology is a deliberate act when one caringly admits to a transgression that unfavorably impacted another, and seeks to restore the natural balance of the relationship. It is helpful to take into consideration how geography, culture, ethnicity, religion/spirituality, age, and personal history (e.g., trauma) may alter one’s distinct art form of apologizing.
“When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t” -Louis C.K.
There may be instances when someone does not believe they have made a mistake, yet someone else views it differently. If appropriate, it can be helpful for the wounded party to mindfully reach out and describe the situation from their perspective, express their thoughts and feelings, and convey their needs while emphasizing how assertive communication can make space for mending the relationship.
Circumstances that may warrant an apology include and are not limited to when:
Miscommunicating information
Interrupting someone
Missing a scheduled appointment
Someone’s feelings are hurt as a result of our actions (or lack thereof)
Physically hurting someone
Damaging personal belongings or property
Disrespecting boundaries
Breaking a promise
Lying, cheating, stealing
Expressing sympathy (“I’m sorry” does not always equate to “I was wrong”.)
Acts that are either accidental or deliberate both call for an amends. Sharing a sincere apology with someone requires connecting with your authentic self as well as connecting (or re-connecting) to your values.
A Suitable Apology
There is certainly variation among apologies. Let’s simplify it by sorting them into categories of formal or informal and individual or collective. Later, we will also consider genuine and disingenuous categories. Considerations to make when assessing how to best respond include the setting, relationship dynamic, intention, severity of the action/attitude/affirmation, and remorse.
Say for instance there were two adult strangers of similar build at a local grocery store, when one accidentally bumped into another’s arm while trying to pass in a narrow isle (Can I get a Midwestern “Ope, scuse me”?). What type of apology is warranted? An informal, individual apology will be sufficient because it was in a public setting between two strangers, where the accidental bump caused no physical harm and the person at fault felt remorseful. An authentic response of, “I did not mean to bump you, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”, followed by stepping aside to create more physical space is considered genuine.
General steps to apologizing include:
Step One
Become aware of the situation
Step Two
Take responsibility
Step Three
Sincerely apologize
Step Four
Consider if there is a way to mend the problem
Step Five
Consciously take steps to prevent the wrongdoing from happening again
In more detail this may look like when you (Step 1) observe the situation or actively listen as someone informs you of their experience in feeling wronged or hurt, then (Step 2) take accountability for your part in the situation. (Step 3) Assess if an in-person apology, written, or otherwise is best for the type of relationship affected. Use assertive communication such as “I” statements while remembering, an apology comes from the heart. Finally (Step 4), take initiative to correct the issue or ask the other person about their specific needs. Listen to their response and determine if it is something you can commit to doing. In your own time you can (Step 5) reflect on your understanding of the matter and clarify ways to improve moving forward.
General guidelines may not be all inclusive, and each person’s unique scenario will require individual evaluation. I invite you to pause here and be curious about how (if) you learned to apologize.
A Disingenuous Apology
An apology that lacks insight, responsibility, sincerity, and consideration of the other person involved is ultimately unproductive. Dr. Karina Schumann researched the barriers to apologizing which she concluded were “low concern for the other person or relationship, perceived threat to one’s self-image, and perceived apology ineffectiveness”. Have you ever had the sense that someone was saying sorry just to squash an argument yet you were left with little to no resolution? Chances are, in part, it was due to something getting in the way of a suitable apology or a disingenuous apology. Be on the lookout for insincere apologies that are:
Dismissive— “It’s not that big of a deal, okay? Sorry.”
Making Excuses— “I know I yelled at you, sorry, but I didn’t’ sleep well last night.”
Shifting Responsibility— “If you didn’t make me so mad, then I wouldn’t flip out” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Statements similar in nature to the examples listed above fail to mend the relationship. On the other hand, a suitable apology cannot be forced. When we demand an apology, we are not respecting the art or allowing for comprehension and correction to take place. Children, specifically, gain perspective by being taught how the natural consequences of their actions have impact as well as how working to problem solve invites an opportunity for them to engage in improved behavior.
The Act of Acceptance
Full acceptance of an apology is your choice. Period. You are not required to accept an apology under any circumstances especially if lacks sincerity. Give yourself permission to reflect on how the other person delivered the apology and if you need more time to process what happened, then it is important to be honest with the other person and share your viewpoint in a respectful manner. Once you are willing to accept their sentiment, recognize their efforts, share in your perception, and be open to repair, the relationship can begin restoring balance.
Oftentimes, people respond to an apology with “It’s okay” which overlooks the offense. A better response to someone offering an apology is to reply “I appreciate your apology, thank you” or “Thank you for saying sorry”. While apologies can build a foundation for forgiveness, acceptance does not equate to forgiveness, and the practice of establishing forgiveness and trust are separate parts entirely.
Our connections hold meaning. When we value relationships, we apologize as needed. Mastering the art of apologizing is a continuous journey of self-reflection. It is about learning to recognize our impact, owning our faults without defense or blame, demonstrating a commitment to making amends, and learning how to improve. Let's expand our artistry—the well-being of our connections depends on it.
“An apology is the superglue of life”
–Lynn Johnston
To learn more or connect with someone from our team please reach out to Lotus Therapy Group at 708-552-7330 or email us at lotustherapygroup@gmail.com.
