The Gift of Self-Compassion by Lauren Oster, MA, LCPC
The holiday season often includes some type of gift giving, whether it is a gift of gratitude to the host, a gift of service to the community, or a gift of an experience to a loved one. Giving and receiving gifts allows people an opportunity to connect with one another in a caring way. Now, what about gifting to yourself? Oftentimes we tend to place ourselves last on the priority list. One gift that keeps on giving is self-compassion, and extending it to yourself can be important in maintaining a full cup during this time of year. Cheers!
What is Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is holding space for kindness, understanding, and respect for ourselves in a similar manner that we extend to others. Unlike self-esteem, self-compassion is not dependent on the outcome—I am worthy no matter what.
Once my clients have discovered therapy as a safe space, I will often encourage them to pause and check in with their self-compassion levels which can set the stage to soften their harsh inner critic. This allows the client to see the intention behind their inner critic and work towards obtaining a similar outcome yet in a helpful manner.
It is also important to clear up a few myths about self-compassion. First and foremost, it is not selfish. Self-compassion essentially supports us in extending grace to others as well. You cannot pour from an empty cup! It is not letting yourself off the hook. It does require a certain level of awareness to admit our errors or flaws nonetheless holding them with gentleness. It is not a display of weakness. On the contrary, it takes courage to be compassionate towards ourselves during challenging times instead of defaulting to self-judgment and shame. We too quickly learn to use shame as a motivator yet have learned that long-term use comes at a cost, whereas self-compassion boosts our emotional well-being.
What Makes Self-Compassion Meaningful
It is vital to practice being compassionate with yourself and with others. Incorporating self-compassion into your life can increase growth and connection. Benefits of practice include: reduced stress, improved mood, and increased resilience and healing. The regular practice of holding ourselves accountable while simultaneously extending ourselves much deserved compassion, can naturally give us the assurance to keep moving forward. When I practice using self-compassion in my own life, I notice I feel more balanced which is meaningful to me because I value balance. Self-compassion helps us embrace ourselves how we are in the present and improve our ability to thrive.
Self-Compassion Says…
“I am doing the best I can in this moment.”
“I give myself permission to be kind.”
“I know this lesson will help connect me to my values.”
“Compassion isn’t some kind of self-improvement project or ideal that we’re trying to live up to. Having compassion starts and ends with having compassion for all those unwanted parts of ourselves, all those imperfections that we don’t even want to look at.” -Pema Chodron
How does self-compassion show up in your life currently? Sit down and write yourself a letter in third person then observe the results.
Tips for Implementing Self-Compassion
Becoming familiar with self-compassion takes time and making it a habit can prove to be helpful. Before attempting to change, you may start by simply noticing where self-compassion shows up or where it is lacking. Once you are able to name it and feel ready to incorporate it, go ahead and give it a try. It may require fine tuning the language you use, especially if you are used to listening to your harsh inner critic. Setting aside specific times for practice will make is easier to implement during challenging times so consistently practicing is key. Another option is having a therapist hold you accountable as well. Each person is capable of utilizing self-compassion to help heal. Wishing you a season with the gift of self-compassion!
If you find yourself struggling, please reach out to Lotus Therapy Group at 708-552-7330.
